I recently picked up a Nintendo DS (again... third one I've owned) and I've been loving every minute of it. It's a real treat to have games like Chrono Trigger completely portable, or games of epic proportions like Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia and Portrait of Ruin, and the infinite playability of Disgaea shrunk down for the greatest time-killer RPG ever. The World Ends With You is easily my favorite game for the system, and I highly recommend playing it if you're an RPG fan... heck, even if you're not an RPG fan I'd suggest it. It's a very original game that it utilizes all of the functions the DS has to offer. Don't even get me started on Contra 4. That game grabs you by the balls and calls you Nancy.
I've been really excited to play New Super Mario Bros., and it was one of the main reasons I wanted to pick the system up in the first place. I would always end up picking something else up in it's stead, because in my mind I kept saying "It's always gonna be on the shelf, it's one of the killer apps on the system, so you can always pick it up later." Everyone talks about it all the time. It's the first original 2D Mario adventure since Super Mario Land 2: Six Golden Coins which came out in 1992(!), which is pretty crazy when you think about it.
So I made the mistake of picking up the entire Super Mario Bros. Super Show! series on DVD. It's 52 episodes of racial slurs for Italians mixed with the horrible acting of Captain Lou Albana as Mario Mario... needless to say I enjoy the show even more now than I did as a child. It's beyond entertaining to watch two grown men dressed up like the Mario and Luigi make complete fools out of themselves. It's hard to believe it was the number one rated kids show in the country when it was on.
So upon watching this series for a good month, I got the itch to play all the Mario games I had. About six months ago I gave myself the arduous task of completing Super Mario Bros. 3 in it's entirety; no warp whistles, no skipping levels, no flying through the hard levels with a P-Wing, etc. It was quite difficult, and a little stressful at times (I had 40-something lives going into World 8 and I only had 1 life left when I got to Bowser), but it was an accomplishment nonetheless (and something most people hadn't done before). I didn't really feel like playing though SMB3 again at the moment, and I'd beaten Super Mario World until I was blue in the face (I used to have two cartridges of it, with both of them with 100% completion on all 3 files). SMB2 (Or Super Mario USA for you hardcore gamers) didn't sound like too much fun either. That's the one game I REALLY have to be in the mood to play, and I feel doesn't stand the test of time like the other games do. I really wanted to play Super Mario All-Stars for The Lost Levels, and I wouldn't mind playing the updated versions of SMB and SMB3, but I didn't feel like going on eBay just to get them... I think Gamestop should still sell old-school games, but apparently there's no market for that now (whatever). I ended up deciding it was time to play New Super Mario Bros. I'd waited long enough to pick it up, so I bit the Bullet Bill and went to go find it.
Everywhere was sold out.
I couldn't believe it. I'd understand if EVERYONE ELSE in San Antonio had been watching the Super Mario Bros. Super Show! too and got the urge to pick it up, but I was the only one doing that... I spent a couple weeks trying to track the game down, and eventually a new shipment came in to my local Gamestop. I was extremely excited when I found it, and raced home to play it. If only I had known the epic disappointment I was in for.
SHOW ME THE POWER-UPS
If there's one thing that's always exciting about a new Mario game, it's the crazy new abilities and power-ups Nintendo puts into each game. We actually see some old Super Mario 64 moves resurface, such as the triple jump, the wall jump and the ground pound. I actually never found any use for the triple jump once in the game. The first time I did it was on accident, and it ended up killing me. You never really seem to have enough room to pull it off (as it takes a healthy running start to begin) and it seems like an unnecessary addition. The ground pound is fun and the fact you can use it on multi-coin block to receive a power-up as well is pretty cool, but I feel the old spin-jump from Super Mario World would have sufficed. And now for the power-ups:
It's your typical fare for the first three power-ups; the Super Mushroom, the Fire Flower, and the Starman. If you're not sure what those do then I don't know how you've made it this far... but I guess I'll explain them anyway. The Super Mushroom turns Mario into Super Mario, which is essentially a bigger version of himself. Can I go on a small tangent here and ask the question, what is Mario's real size? Is the Super Mario version his real size, or the tiny one? Did Bowser cast a spell on him that shrank him, or is everyone in the Mushroom Kingdom 12 feet tall? I've never understood it. Moving on, the Fire Flower gives Mario the ability to shoot fireballs from his fingers. Best power-up ever made. The Starman is your typical platformer invincibility item that comes with it's very own mega-pump-up-you-can't-kill-me-I'm-unbeatable anthem.
Then we have the new power-ups; the Mega Mushroom, the Mini Mushroom, and the Blue Koopa Shell. First there's the Mega Mushroom, which turns Mario into a Godzilla-esque version of himself, taking up the entire screen and kills everything in one hit. It's like the Starman on steroids. The Mini-Mushroom shrinks Mario down to about 8 pixels and makes his jumps less prone to gravity, which is a little hard to control. He can access hidden areas while "under the influence" that are only available to pint-sized plumbers. With that said though, it's one hit and you're dead, so you have to be extra careful... a lot of those hidden areas are near the end of a level. Finally, there's the Blue Koopa Shell, which Mario wears on his back and can slide around with. I personally don't care for this power-up too much. You need a decent running start for it to activate, and it essentially turns Mario into a much-less-fun version of Sonic the Hedgehog. You'll bounce off the walls for hours and it's really hard to control. Again, there's only a few occasions where you'll be given access to it, and it's yet another pointless addition.
It's your typical fare for the first three power-ups; the Super Mushroom, the Fire Flower, and the Starman. If you're not sure what those do then I don't know how you've made it this far... but I guess I'll explain them anyway. The Super Mushroom turns Mario into Super Mario, which is essentially a bigger version of himself. Can I go on a small tangent here and ask the question, what is Mario's real size? Is the Super Mario version his real size, or the tiny one? Did Bowser cast a spell on him that shrank him, or is everyone in the Mushroom Kingdom 12 feet tall? I've never understood it. Moving on, the Fire Flower gives Mario the ability to shoot fireballs from his fingers. Best power-up ever made. The Starman is your typical platformer invincibility item that comes with it's very own mega-pump-up-you-can't-kill-me-I'm-unbeatable anthem.
Then we have the new power-ups; the Mega Mushroom, the Mini Mushroom, and the Blue Koopa Shell. First there's the Mega Mushroom, which turns Mario into a Godzilla-esque version of himself, taking up the entire screen and kills everything in one hit. It's like the Starman on steroids. The Mini-Mushroom shrinks Mario down to about 8 pixels and makes his jumps less prone to gravity, which is a little hard to control. He can access hidden areas while "under the influence" that are only available to pint-sized plumbers. With that said though, it's one hit and you're dead, so you have to be extra careful... a lot of those hidden areas are near the end of a level. Finally, there's the Blue Koopa Shell, which Mario wears on his back and can slide around with. I personally don't care for this power-up too much. You need a decent running start for it to activate, and it essentially turns Mario into a much-less-fun version of Sonic the Hedgehog. You'll bounce off the walls for hours and it's really hard to control. Again, there's only a few occasions where you'll be given access to it, and it's yet another pointless addition.
HOLY !@#$ THIS GAME LOOKS AWESOME
The game starts out really strong... minus the fact that Baby Bowser (aka the shittiest bad-guy ever) is the main antagonist, the game looks pretty awesome. Graphically, the 2.5D looks amazing on the DS, and you feel like you're in for a big treat. Level 1-1 is quite possibly one of the most entertaining levels I've played in a SMB game. You get the Mega Mushroom and you plow through the level, get a haul of 1-Up Mushrooms for doing so, jump on the flagpole and think "Damn, this game is siiiick!" And it is, for about 20 minutes. Then the problems start to bleed into the picture and it slowly sucks the fun out of the game. The only time you can save the game is when you beat a fortress, the castle at the end of each world, or if you shell out some of your precious star coins to open up the path to a hidden Mushroom House or secret level. This forces you to play the game in a straightforward direction. Remember how you could re-enter a fortress in Super Mario World, beat it again, and you could save? Not anymore. You have to keep pressing on. Remember when you could save after beating a Ghost House? Not anymore. You have to keep pressing on.
About the time you near the end of the first world, you notice something seems a little off about the controls. You end up sliding around everywhere, almost like you're always on ice. You've managed to commit suicide a few times by accidentally wall-jumping yourself into a pit, with no way of saving yourself. Maybe if you had the Raccoon Tail, or the Cape Feather or the Rabbit Ears from previous games you could float your way back to safety, but instead you die because all you've got is this stupid Blue Koopa Shell that doesn't do anything. It's bullshit... but you keep playing. You keep thinking "Come on, this is fucking MARIO! It's gonna be awesome!"
Then you get to Bowser, and it looks like we're going old-school and destroying the bridge and throwing Bowser into the lava like the original SMB. You can do that, the fireballs or get stupid-retarded if you have a Mega Mushroom in your reserve item space and just plow Mario's big floppy dick into Bowser's face killing him instantly. When Bowser falls into the lava, he goes out a la the Crocomire in Super Metroid, popping in and out of the lava becoming mere skeleton before sinking to his demise. Congratulations, you can now turn the game off.
ALL IS NOT WELL IN THE MUSHROOM KINGDOM
The rest of the game seems like it was completely rushed. They throw in gimmicks here and there that robs what fun was had from World 1. I almost stopped playing when I reached World 5, the Ice World. I already briefly touched base on my disdain for how everything feels a little slippery... amplify that tenfold here. It's nearly unplayable. Beyond 1-1, I found no use for the Mega Mushroom. You'll get it at the most inopportune times, where it will actually keep you from advancing in the level, because Mario is too big to get through a gap, so you have to sit there for 5-10 seconds and wait for the ability to wear off in order to make progress. I hate that Blue Koopa Shell more than anything. It's not even remotely fun to use, especially since it's so hard to come by when I actually do have it, I don't have enough time to actually get used to the controls. I usually end up getting fed up with a level and just turning the game off only to remember that I didn't beat a fortress or a castle. I can't spend star coins to turn the fucking game off... which should have been an option. I'd like to stick those star coins right up Mario's ass. It's just another gimmick they added for this game, where each level has 3 hidden star coins for you to collect... which is just an attempt to squeeze some more screen time for your old pal Mario. The bosses are very bland and boring, and all can be killed without needing any sort of trial-and-error attempts. They jam the 1-Ups down your throat with this game too. There's about 9,845 coins in each level, there's the one-up mini-game in the Mushroom Houses, the red coins, the Starmen with multiple enemies surrounding their locations, the stupid Mega Mushroom has a meter that can fill up... and if it does, get ready for 1-Ups to shit from the sky. If you hit the top of the flagpole at the end of the level, guess what? You get another fucking 1-Up. I think it's impossible to lose all your lives in this game... especially since the lives you have are saved when you save the game too.
FINAL SCORE: C-
This game could have been it. The definitive Mario game for a new generation. It starts out promising, but poor level design, sloppy controls, uninspired power-ups and a myriad of gimmicks really set this one back. Maybe I'm just nitpicking... maybe I'm one of the few people who actually sees beyond the hype that surrounds the game. Either way, it's a poor attempt at a Mario game. Play it if you must, but avoid it if you can. If you need a platformer on the DS, I'd recommend picking up Yoshi's Island DS instead.
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